


i've waited a million years for you

by thebeasknees



Series: on bad days [1]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Affection, Because yes, Cuddles, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, and also really self destructive, breakdowns, connor is really really sad, this can be read as Platonic or Romantic, touchstarved connor murphy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-28
Updated: 2020-11-28
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:20:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27753712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebeasknees/pseuds/thebeasknees
Summary: Connor is awful. He's an awful person, and an awful friend. He doesn't deserve anything.He doesn't deserve Evan.OR: Connor is sad. Also comfort.
Relationships: (?) - Relationship, Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy
Series: on bad days [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2030149
Comments: 3
Kudos: 52





	i've waited a million years for you

**Author's Note:**

> TW for really mean thoughts. Like judging himself profusely.

"Evan?" Connor calls. He feels dumb, and stupid, because he is a grown full teenager and he can't just.. Do this. It's dumb. He's dumb.

But he just.. He can't. It's too much.

He doesn't know why he's like this. Out of all the people in the world that could possibly deserve this, what did he do? 

That's actually. Pretty obvious. He's a horrible person. He's ike a fucking.. Hurricane. He just comes in and ruins things and then leaves others to fix it.

He has no right to feel sad for himself. Other people have it worse.  _ So  _ many people have it worse. He needs to get his shit together.

His little teenage angst bullshit is pointless. Why does he do this, dump his shit onto Evan like this-

Evan deserves better. He deserves better than a trashy stoner boyfriend that breaks down while cooking. He deserves better than a guy that can barely even shower sometimes. He deserves  _ better. _

  
  


Connor isn't better.

He'll never be better, he can't get better. It's like a repeat of the same thing and the same problem over and over and over again. He tries his hardest, but trying isn't enough anymore. 

And he hates that he's crying, because he makes everything about him. He makes every single situation about him in some way or form. He's a fucking attention whore, a shower, he doesn't deserve anything.

And he hates that he cries like this. He hates that these tears are welling up in his eyes and he hates that he feels so pathetic and weak. Feeling weak is such a fucking.. Dirty feeling. It sucks. He sucks.

And he feels dirty. When's the last time he's showered? Who knows when. He's gross.

Why does Evan stay around like this?

He can't do anything until tears are properly rolling down his cheeks, gross and wet all over his face, and there's snot stuffing up his nose and that tight feeling in his throat as he tries to choke it back.

Evan looks back to him, from his homework, because he's smart and amazing and perfect. Because he cares about everything and because he's fucking.. Persistent. 

  
  


"Hey," Evan starts, nice and sweet and his voice is so close. So close. And he sounds worried. Like. Concerned or whatever.

God, Connor is such a burden, what the fuck is his problem?

"Hey. Look at me?" Connor does like he says, even though his eyes are all red and shit. 

He pulls him in for this tight hug. His arms are so warm, and strong, and he lets himself melt into it. Evan starts doing this thing where he makes circles on his back, perfect and patterned and  _ so  _ nice.

Connor has his face buried into the crook of his neck, and when Evan starts running his hand through his hair (even though it's knotted and messy), he feels tears start to well up again.

God, he is such a pussy.

He wraps his arms around Evan's back and sobs. He knows it's staining his shirt, but Evan doesn't seem to mind. He only holds him tighter. 

After a moment of crying so hard he can barely feel his throat anymore, the other pulls back, just enough to look at his face.

"Do you wanna- wanna talk about it?" Evans asks, and Connor shakes his head and plummets himself right back into his chest. Because it's warm there.

And safe.

So safe.

"M sorry," Connor mumbles, but he's quickly shushed. 

Evan makes a face like he doesn't like that and shakes his head. "You have nothing to be sorry about, Con."

Connor highly disagrees with that. He has lots of things to be sorry about, actually.

Evan shifts a little so he's still holding him as he rests himself on the headboard of the bed. Connor panics at the movement and gets a good grip on his arms.

  
  


"...Don't leave?"

"Of course not. I'm not- I'm not leaving you, Con."

Okay. Okay then.

Evan is so safe, and so warm. Evan is so nice, and so kind.

And he thinks that for now, he'll be fine.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos are always appreciated!💖


End file.
